So, this week had a few ups and downs for me. First of all….I am FINALLY down 50 lbs. Whew. That was a major milestone that definitely has been haunting me lately, and I feel a huge psychological boost by hitting that number. I’m about 1/3 of the way to my ultimate goal, which still means I have a LONG way to go, but I now feel like I’m part of a super-exclusive 50 lb club and I should be learning a secret handshake or something.
The tough part of this week was traveling for work. I knew my travel schedule would be punishing and I prepped and planned perfectly and was super proud of myself for it. I had a major NSV victory on the way there, which was such a motivator: my first week on IP I had to fly for work and thought I was going to pop an internal organ like a balloon because the seat belt on the plane was so tight. This week, for the first time in ages, I was able to tighten the seat belt and had about 5 inches of belt left over! Wahoo!!
What I found interesting while I was was for now the second time of starting this journey I felt super unsupported by a friend that I haven’t seen since I was at my absolute heaviest.
I have one friend that is very insecure in her own ways and to an extent finds comfort in me being extremely overweight and therefore also, if not more, insecure. I’m her duff (designated ugly fat friend). I know she is happy for me in taking control of my health and happiness, but she definitely has done some kind of rude things if you know someone is on this journey, like bringing over cupcakes and making me a cocktail after telling her that I will only be drinking water. Nothing major, but really irks me when she knows I can not participate. I think she is worried about finding a new duff – or worse, becoming mine!
This second encounter was from someone that I don’t see often. She had wonderful things to say to my face, but other behaviors I found really hurtful. I probably read too far into it (in this instance I prefer not to go into detail), and I was probably over sensitive since being out of my IP cocoon is always a little difficult, but it really rubbed me the wrong way.
Then I really got to thinking. What kind of an entitled jerk-o am I becoming to expect people to be happy for me? Exactly zero people other than myself need to be proud of my journey and excited for all of the major and minor victories on the way. Anyone who is happy and supportive of me is a HUGE bonus and I savor and am grateful for every smidgen of that encouragement, but I am by no means entitled. IP has taken up a huge amount of my brain-space since October when you consider all of the planning, scheduling, shopping, scouring menus before going out, modifying everything, staying mindful around temptations… Even though I am feeling better than I have in years and am thrilled that I have made so much progress, it doesn’t mean that anyone has to even care. People have their own lives to worry about.
What it comes down to for me (at least at this particular moment) is that this journey is mine. I own it. I will be on this journey for a long time and will be fortunate to absorb the positivity of friends who are being my cheerleaders along the way. At the same time there will people who will try (hopefully not purposefully) to derail me and I can not let them do that. There will also be people who simply do not care.
Bottom line is, I am happy and proud of my decision to take this journey, and that is all that matters.
(…because saying no to those cupcakes would have been way harder if I was unhappy).