I’ve spent half the last week feeling like I have an elephant (or my pre-IP self) sitting on my chest.  I am under more stress than I have been in ages and I feel like I am approaching a breaking point.

Backing up, 5 years ago I lost 50 lbs when I got divorced, not because I was dieting or exercising, but because I was taking awful care of myself.  I gained most of it back over the last year and a half before IP.  I gained the rest of it back (plus ten pounds) over the summer after I quit smoking and replaced cigarettes with M & Ms and french fries.  And wine.  And anything else within reach.  I’m happy to report that I can’t even walk by someone who has been smoking without gagging a little…I can’t believe I used to do that.  Yuck.  Back to the 50 lbs.  I hit a plateau and gave up.  Now that I’m at the point where I was when I plateaued and gave up, I know that I will have to work harder than ever to break past this point to continue getting closer to my goal.  I’m worried there’s a mental block there, even though I know it’s only there if I allow it to be.

Another thing that is making me crazy out of my skin is the fact that I may or may not have to move.  I have lived at my current apartment for 2.5 years which is the longest I have lived anywhere since I lived with my parents growing up.  My landlord is trying to raise my rent by 25% and they are kind of jerks and it’s making me want to leave.  But have you seen the rental market out there?  It’s brutal.  I don’t like the feeling that I have 21 days to determine where I will be spending a minimum of one year of my life.  I like to be settled and have a plan.

The reason I bring up the mental block and the living situation stress (which is just in addition to the normal stuff) is because I now have none of my old vices.  I am flirting with a major meltdown and I can no longer eat my feelings and wash it down with a bottle of syrah.  (I leave the smoking out of that vice situation because even though it was a vice, there is nothing on this planet that could make me want to smoke again).

I think this is a really big step for me.  I know I am at a point when I’d be reaching for all of the things that I know would derail me from this process and forcing myself to confront those thoughts and feelings rather than burying them.  I am finally recognizing the fact that I have these triggers are there in the first place and acknowledging that the way I’ve dealt with them in the past led me to a very dark and unhealthy place and am trying to figure out how to deal with everything in a healthful and protocol approved manner.

I’d say I am going to go to a yoga class or take a walk, but right now I need to finish laundry, have a few hours of work to do, tidy up, pack, get a few hours of sleep and get on a plane in the morning.