Before I weighed in last week I hopped on my own scale, as I like to check and see how accurate it is. I almost fell over when it said that I had gained 3 pounds. WTF?!? I was heartbroken and really had to talk myself into going to my appointment at all knowing that my weight had gone in the wrong direction. I went, avoiding eye contact with Renee. Turns out I had lost fat but gained a water and muscle, which is nothing to worry about.
This got me thinking, when did I become the girl that has a mini meltdown over 3 pounds? Yes, I am doing what I can to lose weight and gaining even an ounce is crushing right now, but it’s not an irreversible thing. Things happen. Turns out, I’m an imperfect human.
With this process other things in my life are kind of starting to click for me. I have had issues with anxiety for as long as I can remember, being on and off different medications to help control it. With a bit of research and guidance I have learned that being an adult child of an alcoholic is a “thing”. Also, I am one. It might be that my absolute bone crushing anxiety is not just an unfortunate personality quirk, but a side effect of growing up in a dysfunctional environment.
I know that recognizing my anxiety, triggers, and past are not going to make this whole process any easier or faster or even curb my anxiety or lessen its effects. This process is a journey if nothing else, and in taking control over a single aspect of my life (my weight) I am learning about much, much more than just nutrition. I am learning that there is more to being overweight than eating too much of the wrong things too often. I am really having to open myself up to the reality that if I don’t understand the triggers that got me to where I was – using food, alcohol, and cigarettes as a means of self destruction and sabotage – I will end up back there again. I was not almost 300 pounds because french fries are yummy. There was a lot more than I have been willing to acknowledge going on under the surface that is even more important to address than the number on the scale.