Living not just existing

I am afraid of everything. It’s ridiculous, and I am aware of that. I battle constant anxiety. I fear being good enough, liked, successful. I fear being alone and big crowds.

I am a walking contradiction.

I spent 30+ years of my life quietly existing because I was too afraid of living.

It took a lot of work to get to a point where, while still afraid, I could try. I push through my fears, and force myself to experience new things.

How did happen? One day I realized my biggest fear was the feeling of being afraid. That trembling, achy, panicky feeling. I let it incapacitate me. Then I tried something anyway… and I was still afraid… I can even tell you what I tried… I was in New York and inside the gift shop at the World Trade Center… I was so afraid of heights that I had a blinding panic attack at the thought of going all the way up. I took a deep breath and went to the top… OMG… I was in full panic mode at this point… but the view… I remember it was a clear day and you could see the reflection of the twin towers in the river… I flew home that afternoon… very happy I had gone out on that balcony even though I was shaking the entire time.

Even now, thinking about this, that was a defining moment. I spent my life, until then, missing out on so much. I will never, ever forget that moment. It was September 10, 2001.

When I am having a bad day, I remember that moment. A moment where, if I had not pushed through my fear and blind panic, I would have missed forever.

Today I am exhausted and fighting the urge to crawl back in bed and stay there. Instead of giving in, I am pulling on my tennis shoes, going for a walk, and planning how to conquer myself.

I want to live not just exist!!!!img_8370

One response to “Living not just existing”

  1. My goodness, that is a defining moment if I’ve ever heard one. Congratulations for overcoming that day and every day since. You write a very personal and insightful blog, thank you for that.

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