I woke up from a dream where I had gained everything back. I woke up crying. I felt shattered and alone.
I woke up from my dream with my pillow between my teeth.
Through a LOT of self assessment I have discovered that my biggest fear is failing. I can get so agitated that I defeat myself ahead of time so it’s a “controlled fail.”
For the past 12 years I have been working through these fears and forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Sometimes I fail, spectacularly… And in those failures I learn. And I never repeat the same thing. Except with diets.
With diets I loose the weight, I eat what I am told, and I exercise when I am told. The weight comes off… Then I am not “told” anymore… And the weight comes back. Maybe not over night. But my normal eating patterns would eventually lead back to that weight.
With Ideal Protein I approached it differently. I tried new foods, I learned to cook differently. It isn’t “when I get to maintenance I can eat…” I am on maintenance. I can eat “…”, but I don’t. I did for a month… And everything in my body screamed… I started making smart choices and my body sighed in gratitude. Yesterday I was faced with gigantic doughnuts and I choose a vegetable instead… And my body congratulated me.
And yet I still dream I failed. I still woke up panicked and afraid…. Maybe it’s ok to be afraid. Maybe that little fear inside keeps me making smart choices. Hmmmm… Fear isn’t bad… Fear can be a tool…